Your relationship with your in-laws

Although new relationships can be a beautiful aspect of married life, in-law relationships can more often than not be quite demanding. What can make this more difficult is when you have interfering in-laws. Nevertheless, in Islam your in-laws play a crucial aspect in your lives therefore working on your connection with your spouse’s parents is essential. We will be addressing a few ways, which if implemented in a healthy manner can support the blossoming of a fruitful marriage and a tranquil household, inshAllah.

1. Empathy
In discussions surrounding in-laws, two counter issues arise time and time again; parents feel their married “children” should obey and involve them whilst the married adults feel that their parents should just stop interfering and give the couple space to develop and nurture their relationship. What is interesting is that the fundamental problem that is causing in-law interference in modern nuclear families is not being addressed.

Many immigrant parents left their families behind, their children may be seen as filling the void of an emotional connection. Consequently, a parent may find it challenging to let go of their intense emotional relationship if a child marries. Many parents are interfering in their children’s marriages because they feel insecure and afraid. Parents frequently worry that they will lose their child and that they will no longer be important in the child’s life when they get married. The parent’s interference in their children’s life aren’t necessarily motivated by malice; instead, they’re an effort to address their irrational feelings of insecurity after “losing” their child to a spouse.

Parents may use demands, threats, withhold assistance and may even be insensitive to the couple’s needs of privacy. The parents may view each of these actions as a sign of their love and concern, but the new couple may view them as intrusions and be unsure of how to handle their parents correctly. 

One way is to replace judgement with empathy, trying to better understand where they are coming from. Sharing your desire to get along and thanking them for what is going well for you all. This will help in-laws to feel accepted and respected. If they are getting too involved, ask them kindly about what they may be worrying about and if they seem distant, communicate love to them. It is also important to be proactive in showing love to our in-laws, being mindful of their fears and insecurities and giving them reassurance will work wonders.

2. Culture vs Islam – educate yourself and your families
There are many misconceptions about the nature of the relationship that one is to have with in laws. A lot of these stem from Muslims mixing culture with the pure teachings of Islam. Through emotional manipulation and guilt disguised under the guise of Islamic duty, many families have kept control over their families. Instead of reflecting on what Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (Glorified and Exalted is He)  is commanding, it has become the catchphrase solution to all problems to obey one’s parents. The Qur’an does not require obedience, but it does require that children always treat their parents with compassion and respect. This is crucial to understand since many couples struggle to set limits with their parents out of a sense of guilt for “disobeying” them.

Allah (swt) says, “And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as] “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” (Qur’an, 17:23). Parents’ opinions and suggestions should always be respected by couples, but in the end, the couple must decide what is best for them as a family and not out of feeling guilty. 

3. Prioritise your marriage
It is best for you as a couple to not run to parents at the first signs of problems. Instead, create a safe space and communicate openly and clearly about how your relationships with your parents are changing if you hope to retain positive ties with your parents while still fostering your own marriage. 

It is important that each spouse listens to the other attentively and with sincerity. Communicating your support can make your partner feel heard and accepted. Having a partner who can validate your feelings can make all the difference. Always prioritise keeping up a positive relationship with your spouse as your top priority. As a team, you two ought to present a unified front against the issue and NOT against each other.

4. Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries
When one enters a new family, they naturally enter into boundaries that have been set in stone for many years, along with the problems associated with these boundaries. It is nearly impossible to try to redefine these boundaries. Therefore the part that the in-laws will play in a couple’s life needs to be discussed. Assuming that everyone has the same vision can only result in disappointment. 

You can adopt an attitude of curiosity over being critical and start finding out about what expectations and boundaries your in-laws have.  You can also suggest adequate boundaries that you feel you need to maintain a healthy relationship. 

Each spouse is responsible to protect their spouse, even toward their respective parents.  As the Qur’an describes: “…They are your garments and you are their garments…” (2:187). Like our clothing, spouses must protect each other by not allowing anyone to treat their spouse in an un-Islamic way. This makes it abundantly evident to the parents that the couple is a single entity that cannot be divided. The opposite is also true: spouses should never belittle their in-laws in front of their spouses since this will lead to a split where a spouse is forced to choose between their parents and spouse. As they express their independence as adults, couples must constantly remember to show their parents respect and kindness.

Creating and maintaining your own “space” as a partner and family is a crucial aspect of setting boundaries and allows intimacy to build between the couple. Talk things through with your spouse, couples need to be honest with one another about everything. By doing this, it will be easier to prevent emotional outbursts and ruts of negativity.

5. Communicate assertively
Every couple will have different boundaries and expectations, and you must decide what issues in your family are most important to deal with first. Setting new boundaries or just adjusting expectations might help couples work out any problems that may develop. If family members are upfront and honest about their expectations and the new roles that each member plays, the adult connection between parents and spouses will develop and lead to the creation of new beautiful memories.

However, some families may not always want to abide by the boundaries they establish. The next stage is to muster the confidence to address one’s parents after realising that the interference is an issue and a threat to the marriage. Most young Muslim men and women suffer with a lack of assertiveness with their parents; this issue is even more challenging if the parents are domineering and manipulative. Even though it won’t be simple, maintaining respect for troublesome in-laws is crucial. Couples shouldn’t reciprocate harmful actions and words with more painful ones. If the in-laws are damaging to the marriage, it is essential to limit their effect on the marriage and children.

6. Communicate respect, love and kindness
The likelihood of in-laws’ values will differ to a larger or smaller extent, depending on the family. Setting boundaries with in-laws can be perceived as un-islamic and disrespectful. It is important to disagree respectfully.  Asking about specific issues, truly listening, and replying in a composed, courteous manner are all methods to demonstrate respect for one another’s values. It can be advisable to avoid these discussions if they get too hot in your relationship with your in-laws. However, if respect can be demonstrated, these discussions can be crucial to enhancing connections with one’s in-laws.

Most of us are likely to encounter in-law opinions at some point that are just unsuitable for us. It’s a good idea to practise a neutral reaction that may be “drawn out” in these situations rather than reacting emotionally. Try saying “That’s an interesting thought” or “I’ll think about it,” for example. If the in-law insists, try a polite “conversation ender” like “Thanks, but this seems to be working right now,” “That’s a fine suggestion, but we’re going to do it this way,” or something like that.

In law relationships do not have to be difficult. In fact, reframing your thoughts can go a long way; seeing any interaction as an opportunity for healing and growth rather than conflict and pain. Reminding ourselves that this growth will touch not just us but the whole family – for generations to come.  Islam encourages us to reframe any given situation by giving others benefit of the doubt.

7. Self- Accountability
Many individuals take things personally and it is important to begin reflecting on what is coming from your in-laws and what is coming for you? For example, just because your mother-in-law feels hurt or angry doesn’t mean you did something wrong.

Too many times people are focused on the ‘other’ and your reactions are understandable. However, just because these reactions are understandable does not make them ‘right’ and the ‘only’ possibility. 

As a believer who is seeking the pleasure of your Rabb, you want to be mindful of your reactions at all times. Thabit ibn al-Hajjaj reported: Umar ibn al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him, said, “Hold yourselves accountable before you are held accountable and evaluate yourselves before you are evaluated, for the Reckoning will be easier upon you tomorrow if you hold yourselves accountable today. ”Source: Muḥāsabat al-Nafs 2. Take some time out and reflect on what is coming up for you. This will give some more clarity and will enable you to choose another way of thinking and behaving.  You will be in a better place to let go of things that you would have otherwise taken personally.

This said, if you have done everything in your power to make changes and are still suffering then we would highly recommend you to seek out professional help. This will help in getting to the underlying issues. 

While having an in-law relationship can occasionally be difficult, it also has the potential to be immensely rewarding. Aspects such as providing critical support, financial support, help raising children, connection, love and so much more. We need to find the middle ground to navigate through these issues as our deen always emphasises. Most importantly to raise our hands and open our hearts in asking from the only one that can hear and answer our duas. 

May our families be a source of all goodness and peace in this life and the next, ameen ya Rabbi.

Discussion on MMF platform:

Please comment below on some of the ways that you have adopted from the above article that have helped you to transform your relationship with your in-laws?

What other ways have you been able to transform your relationship with your in-laws that have not been mentioned here?